


I Can't Lose You

by alittlebitoftheuniverse, quantumoddity



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Angst, Death, F/M, I'm so sorry, Please Don't Hurt Me, blood tw, losing a loved one
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-27
Updated: 2016-11-27
Packaged: 2018-09-02 16:51:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,705
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8675194
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alittlebitoftheuniverse/pseuds/alittlebitoftheuniverse, https://archiveofourown.org/users/quantumoddity/pseuds/quantumoddity
Summary: He heard a trembling breath come from the other end of the line, like Alexander was casting about for words that just weren’t there.
 "It's...It's Philip. H-He's been shot."





	

Aaron had just sat down across the kitchen table from Theo when her phone rang. She smiled apologetically and glanced down at the screen.

"It's Alex," she sighed. "I should take this, see what he needs."

Aaron tried to find it in himself to be annoyed that Alexander Hamilton had chosen one of the few times Aaron actually got to come home and eat lunch with his daughter to call and interrupt. But he couldn't. He just smiled and waved her off.

"Don't let your food get cold," he warned as she chuckled and left the room, raising the phone to her ear.

A few minutes later, there was a clatter out in the hall and Aaron jumped up, worried that Theo had hurt herself. He found her standing in the hall with her arms wrapped around herself, her eyes far away and unfocused, her expression horrified. Her phone had been dropped on the floor by her feet.

"Theo?" he said cautiously, putting a hand on her shoulder.

She jerked, eyes snapping painfully wide. "Dad, I can't! I can't do this, I can't lose him!"

He wrapped an arm around her, feeling fear start to rise up, cold and bitter in his chest. "Baby, calm down, I don't understand. What's wrong, who are you talking about?"

She gestured toward her phone, clapping a hand over her mouth as she began to sob. Aaron bent to pick up her phone.

"Alexander?" he asked, unable to keep the terror out of his voice.

"Aaron?" The other man's voice was thick and shaky; he was crying, Aaron realized with a start. He’d never seen Alexander Hamilton cry.

"What the hell is happening?" he asked, holding Theo tighter as her shoulders started to shake.

He heard a trembling breath come from the other end of the line, like Alexander was casting about for words that just weren’t there. "It's...It's Philip. H-He's been shot."

Theo must have heard him because she let out a noise like a wounded animal, her face twisted in pain. Aaron rubbed her back in what he hoped was a soothing way.

"What hospital?"

Alexander stammered out the name. "Come as soon as you can, it's...it's not good. I-I don’t know how much time he has." His voice gave way to a desperate sob.

Aaron nodded. "We'll be there. And Alexander..." He trailed off, not sure exactly how to voice the thoughts in his mind, wanting to comfort the other man but having no idea how. "We'll be there as soon as we can."

They hung up and Aaron turned to Theo, who was shaking like a leaf.

"Come on, baby, let's get your coat. We need to go to the hospital."

She shook her head violently. He sighed, tilting his head down so that he could see into her eyes. They were filled with tears, but still dazed. He could practically see her shutting down. Aaron had seen that look on her face before, when he lost his wife. He’d seen it in the mirror too.

"Theo. We need to go now."

It took him leading her to the door and practically carrying her to the car, but eventually they were heading for the hospital. Theo had her knees drawn to her chest, hugging them tightly.

"I can't lose him," she kept murmuring, over and over. "I can't lose him."

Aaron kept his hand on her shoulder during the whole ride, telling her that everything would be okay. But he'd remember how panicked and broken Alexander had sounded, and he felt more and more like he was lying to his daughter.

Theo seemed to jump to life as soon as he parked the car, she was off like a shot, her coat hanging off of one arm. She only paused long enough to get the room number from the receptionist before she was running again. Sighing heavily, Aaron followed her slowly. He felt as though this was something he didn't need to intrude on. He didn’t think he could watch this.

* * *

Theo forced herself to slow down as she neared Philip's room. If he was awake, she didn't want to frighten him so she reached out a trembling hand to calmly open the door. The sight on the other side of it made her grip the handle tightly to keep from collapsing.

Philip, her Philip, with blood all over his chest, his skin sickeningly pale and damp. His eyes were open, but he didn't look at her. His chest was moving, he was breathing, but painfully.

"Theo," Eliza gasped, turning. There were already tear tracks on her face, and she started to cry again as she took in the shaking form of the girl in the doorway. Theo had never seen her look so broken. Alex moved to the other side of the bed to hold his wife, his eyes tired, though it looked like he was clinging to her for his own sake as much as her’s.

"He's asking for you," he said softly, gesturing weakly for Theo to step closer.

She took the other side of the bed, leaning down to press a soft kiss to Philip's clammy forehead. He was mumbling under his breath, frantic strings of words that didn't make sense together, but she heard him whisper her name, over and over.

"Shh," she said gently, smoothing back a damp curl from his face. "It's okay, Pip, I'm here. And you're right here with me. Everything's going to be just fine."

He grimaced, his eyes finding hers, awareness coming back into them. "Hurts."

She nodded. "I know it does, baby. It's going to get better, you just need to rest and focus on feeling better, okay? You're going to be just fine."

"Sorry..." he murmured. "R-Really sorry...you said t-to drop it, let it go but I-I couldn’t..."

She had no idea what he was talking about, but that could wait for now.

"Pip, you don't have to apologize for anything. Just hang on for me, okay? Stay with me."

He gave a shuddering gasp, wincing, his eyes clouding with pain. "You need to...to look after them for me. All of them."

Theo let her eyes drift to Eliza and Alex, who were holding each other tightly. Her heart thudded painfully as she thought of all his brothers and sisters, they must be so scared. "I can't do it as well as you, Philip."

"Don't think I can," he mumbled, far away again, slipping, detaching.

Theo swallowed down a sob. "Please stay. Please don't leave me alone."

He turned his hand over, palm up, and she clung to him gladly, though her stomach flip flopped when she realized it was slick with warm blood. She could smell it, it made her want to choke.

"Sorry," he sighed, fixing his eyes on hers.

She shook her head frantically. "Philip, stay. You have to stay. What about getting married? And traveling and having a family? I need you."

He swallowed, and it looked like it hurt. "Sorry," he repeated, his voice rasping.

"I love you," she gasped out, suddenly terrified that he didn't know, he had to know. "I love you so much, you have to stay with me."

"Love you too," he muttered, attempting to squeeze her hand. "Theo?"

She stroked his hair back. "Yeah, baby?"

"Need you to promise me...if I c-can't...if I don't...you need to stay. Don’t follow me."

"Philip," she sobbed out. "Please don't say that. You're going to be fine."

He frowned, his eyes desperate. "No. You have to promise."

"I promise," she whispered, the words hurt. "But I don't have to, because everything's going to be okay."

Philip closed his eyes and just as she thought maybe he'd just fallen asleep, he convulsed, his other hand clutching at his side. And then he was still.

"Philip?" Theo gasped out, tugging his hand weakly. "Philip, please just look at me, look at me, I'm right here!"

There was a flat beep coming from somewhere and his hand went limp in hers. Somewhere in the background, Eliza was sobbing, Alex was muttering ‘no’ but everything sounded far away, dreamlike. Because none of this was real. None of this could be real. Philip was fine, he'd wake up in just a minute. He would be okay, it was all fine. He had to be.

There was a sudden weight on her shoulder. Alex's hand. "Theo..."

Reality started to set in, and she shook her head, flinching away from it. "No..."

His hand squeezed. "Honey, you have to let him go."

She shook her head again, harshly this time, gripping Philip tighter.

"Theo," Alex repeated, his voice trembling. "You can't help him anymore."

And then he was gently prying Theo's fingers from Philip's hand, pulling her away. And something inside her snapped, and she was screaming and wailing, tears flowing hard and fast down her face. Because she loved him, she loved him so much, and why wasn't that enough? Why hadn't that been enough to keep him safe? It wasn’t fair.

Alex reached for her and she knew he was just trying to keep her from hurting herself, but she flinched away, sinking to her knees by the bed, her nails digging into the sheets and she screamed, a wordless yell that kept going even when her throat was burning.

Eventually, it was the cool, soft hand sliding into hers that drew her screams to a stuttering halt.

"I can't," she sobbed, turning and burying her face in Eliza's shirt. "I don't know how."

Eliza's arms held her tight, and Theo could feel her heartbeat as she cried silently. She closed her eyes tight and tried to lose herself in the smell of Eliza's laundry detergent, trying not to hear the sickening crunch of Alex punching the wall, trying not to feel Eliza shaking. Everything had slowed down, and all she could see was the gaping hole in her life where he’d stood, threatening to draw her in and make her disappear too. She took a shaky breath.

"I promised him," she repeated again and again, a desperate mantra, because it was feeling less and less like a promise she'd be able to keep.

 

**Author's Note:**

> We're really really sorry about that.  
> If you forgive us and want to see more from us, we're goofing around on tumblr as @alittlebitoftheuniverse and @quantum-oddity


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